I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Randomize
