Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
