Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
