My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
