I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
