ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
