I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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