her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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