So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I believe in your delicious
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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