In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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