he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
