i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
