I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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