my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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