oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
