Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
