As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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