i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
