I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
