We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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