she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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