Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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