i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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