The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Randomize
