I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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