I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
