Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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