im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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