I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
