Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Randomize
