Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
