I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
