just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
