I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
