dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
