The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
