I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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