Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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