You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize