this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
