I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
