We won't sleep together?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
