The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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