Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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