I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
