I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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