his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
