This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
