I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
