So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
