so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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