i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
