It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
