he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
