Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
