I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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