pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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