I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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