Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
