The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize