You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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